Being fat in Thailand

Being fat is never easy.  For me, the desire to be skinny is always there.  The negative self talk, the shame I feel when eating in public, loving to shop but only being able to shop at a few stores - they are all emotions I deal with frequently.  I try and trick myself into thinking I don't care what others think or that I have (or had before I basically donated all my clothes before moving) a great wardrobe even though I'm limited to where I can buy clothes.  But my weight is something I'm very self conscious about and no amount of tricking myself into thinking otherwise will work.

And being fat in Thailand is even harder than I ever imagined.  I knew before coming over here that comments would more than likely be made to me about my weight.  Thais are generally smaller built people.  And while they tend to be extremely passive aggressive they hold nothing back on commenting on other people's weight.  And what's sad is that the majority of the comments do not come from students, but adults.

There was one instance at school, we were playing a game of categories and they suggested the category of "facts they know about Teacher BA." One girl yelled out very loudly "Teacher BA is fat!" A few other things had happened that day and that last comment was just too much.  I just said "that is not nice to say about people," and moved on.  I thought I did a good job about not showing the hurt on my face or with my body language, but after class another girl followed me outside and asked if I was okay.  I told her I was fine.  She obviously did not believe me, because on Monday, the girl that called me fat came up to me before school and said "Teacher, I am very sorry for that I said on Friday.  It was not nice.  Will you forgive me?" and wai-ed me.

I've lost count of the amount of times Thai women have come up to me and touched and rubbed my stomach (my Baylor classmates know how much I appreciate being touched in general), pointed to my stomach and asked "baby?", comments made about what I'm eating (even though it's the exact same thing they are eating) or just flat out said "you fat." Once a Thai teacher that I'd never seen before walked into our office.  He pointed to one of the female Thai teachers and said "thin" and held up his pinkie finger to indicate how thin she is.  Then he pointed at me and said "farang, fat" and laughed and walked out of the office.

Today something happened that showed the true depth of just how rude adults can be about weight here.  (A bit of backstory: Two of the desks in the office keep moving slightly and right before this happened, someone had moved the desks back in alignment).  Anyone that really knows me won't be too surprised to learn that I fell out of my chair.  I have a roller chair and had pushed back from my desk and was leaning forward to get something out of my bag and the chair slipped out behind me.  I've thought a few times in the past that one day I am probably going to fall out of this chair, i just hope when it does happen, no one is around.  Of course, today everyone was in the office. One of the Mama's came over and asked if I was okay and picked the chair up. While that was happening, the male Thai teacher said there is the earthquakes that have been moving the desks.  And then went on to say that the person who's been sitting in the chair was the reason it was broken.  He had a few more comments and was laughing like he was a real comedian.  He finally stopped when I told him to just shut up in a sarcastic tone. I really hate the words shut up, but because of the tone I used, I really don't think he caught on to how hurtful his words truly were.

I'm amazed how quickly people are to say - Oh, they don't mean any harm by it.  It's just the way people are in Thailand.  And I can respect a lot about the different cultures.  And have even laughed at a few of the comments people have made, because I can tell they are truly not coming from a hurtful place.  But other times, I have a hard time believing they don't know what they are saying is mean and hurtful. And they are using the cultural differences as a shield to protect them.  Coming to Thailand has made me grow some thicker skin and laugh at things that I would have really let hurt me in the past.  But sometimes, that skin can only be so thick and deep down (under all these layers of fat...) the words do hurt.